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Heck Freezes Over
OUTER DARKNESS, NEVADA – Faced with rising fuel costs due to the proposed Cap and Trade legislation, Heck, Inc. (stock symbol: H3LL) announced today that it would be forced to implement rolling-brownouts of its blast furnaces starting this week.
The news comes at an inopportune time for the Kingdom of Chaos, which is also struggling with record population increases and historically cold winters blamed on Global Climate Change.
The unfortunate confluence of events is prompting some analysts to question Heck's decision to move its base of operations to the state.
"We moved here in the first place because of the favorable weather conditions," claims one under-demon, who desired to remain anonymous because he is not authorized to speak on the subject, "Of course, with our easy access to Las Vegas, we save billions on transportation costs for new arrivals. We also enjoy the prestige of being the only repository of souls located within minutes of Yucca Mountain."
If the situation does not improve quickly, Heck may be forced to seek a second round of government bail-out money. "With the entire country going to Heck under the current congress, it is only appropriate that they should pay for it," said a second under-demon.
The state's senior senator has already scheduled a special news conference to promote another bailout bill. According to his official spokeman, "Heck - they're the largest employer in the state and it is important they do not go under."
The senator claims he has met with his Democratic colleages, who have assured him they will support a second bail-out bill - as soon as Heck freezes over.
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