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Non-members: A Guide for Utah Mormons

A “non-member” is a mythological creature which is often talked about, but rarely encountered by the average Utah Mormon. As such, Utah Mormons are often completely unprepared to properly respond to even the most common situations.

The following guide will help prepare you for your first encounter with this elusive creature.

Situation:  A non-member sees your family and says, "What a lot of kids! Are they all yours?"

Proper Mormon Response:  "Heck no. I never go anywhere with ALL my children."

Situation:  A non-member finds out you are a Mormon and asks, "Can you dance?"

Proper Mormon Response (married Mormons):  "Not according to my wife."
Proper Mormon Response (single Mormons only):  "Absolutely. What time shall I pick you up?"

Situation:  A non-member on the street starts swearing in front of your family.

Proper Mormon Response (addressed to your kids):  "Wow – I didn’t realize there were so many French speakers in this city."

Situation:  A non-member finds out you are a Mormon and asks, "Do Mormons really have multiple wives?"

Proper Mormon Response:  "Here’s a missionary referral card. Fill this out and you can find out for yourself."

- A Mormon Zone original

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