Scientists Discover New Wonder Food
CHICAGO, IL - Scientists today announced the results of a seven year study conducted to determine the effect of different diets on longevity. The study is expected to drastically change nutritionists' views on the way Americans live and eat.
Paul ButterBraker, chairman of the Chicago Institute of Nutritional Research, explained the findings at today's news conference, "The research data showed an extremely high correlation between longevity and a regular diet of a certain combination of disodium phosphate, sodium citrate, fumaric acid, yellow #5, blue #1, BHA, sugar, gelatin, and several flavorings. This combination is more commonly known as lime Jello."
ButterBraker claims the survey data clearly showed that areas of the US with the highest per capita consumption of lime Jello also had some of the best longevity figures. Of particular note are results from Utah, the state with a higher per capita consumption of lime Jello than any other state.
The study found that, on average, Utah residents consume more than 150 pounds of lime Jello per person each year, more than twice the consumption of any other state. Not surprisingly, Utah has some of the lowest mortality figures from heart disease, cancer, lung disease and many of the other leading causes of death.
The study may just be confirming what some Utahns already know. "It doesn't surprise me one bit,"said Judy Smithwood, a long time resident and jello junkie. "It's almost a main dish for many of our get-togethers, church activities, scout banquets, and family dinners. I learned how to make it from my mom, and I'm sure she learned how to make it from hers."
Sales of lime Jello have skyrocketed, emptying store shelves and causing near riot conditions. In desperation, many people have had to resort to eating strawberry, cherry, apricot, and other flavors of Jello, in spite of the fact that data on these flavors has been inconclusive.
The rush on the Utah miracle food has apparently not caused most Utahns to panic. "Our church leaders have been counseling us for years to store at least a year's supply of this stuff," said Smithwood. "Most of us have at least 2-3 times that much."
Editor's Note: "Jell-o" is a registered trademark, apparently of Kraft Foods, Inc. The toll-free number listed on my box of lime Jell-o is: 1-800-431-1001. I'm sure they know nothing about this study.
This article first appeared in the Mormon Zone on June 28, 1999.
This is a parody article intended for entertainment only and does not document real events or persons. In other words, this is fiction. Copyright 1999, 2009 by The Mormon Zone. All rights reserved.