LDS Hymnals Not Y2K Compliant
SALT LAKE CITY, UT - A Y2K bug may disrupt worship services in many of the LDS meeting houses throughout the United States and Canada, according to a spokeman for the church's information systems department.
The problem was discovered as part of ongoing tests to verify that church computers would function properly well in to the next millenium.
Mike Smith, Director of Y2K Preparedness, explains, "We decided to hold a 'Y2K day' at one of the area chapels. We moved all of the clocks forward to January 1, 2000. We really weren't expecting problems, but within a few minutes of resetting the clocks, fires spontaneously erupted in the chapel pews and we had to call in the fire department."
According to Smith, the cause of the fires has been tracked to the special "micro-dot" ink used to print the green "paisley-like" inside covers on green LDS hymnbooks.
Each dot printed with "micro-dot" ink contains a microscopic computer chip which calculates the correct amount of adhesion for the dot of ink. A bug in the software for the embedded microchips causes the ink dot to improperly recognize the year 2000 as the year 1900. Since no adhesion data for the year 1900 is stored in the ink dot, the ink dot improperly determines it should have zero adhesion. The simultaneous adhesion loss of tens of thousands of ink dots on a single page can create enough heat to cause the hymnal to spontaneously combust.
Smith claims the problem only affects English-language versions of the hymnals printed with a copyright date of 1985 or later. The church will be collecting and destroying the problem hymnbooks within a few weeks.
Smith, however, is still concerned. "Many members have stolen hymnbooks from their wards. Some have even purchased their own copies. We are urging anyone who may have green hymn books in their homes to be extremely careful and to return all hymnals to their meeting houses for proper disposal."
"Members should not, under any circumstances, move their clocks forward until this has been done," cautions Smith. "We would also recommend extreme caution when looking at any calendars. Do NOT turn the calendar to any months in the year 2000. The micro-dots are extremely intelligent and may mistakenly think it is the year 1900
Editor's note: This article first appeared in the Mormon Zone on August 17, 1999. Fortunately, the church was able to retrofit most of the books in meetinghouses across the country and only two fires were directly traced to the defective hymnbooks. The church is now preparing for the Unix 2032 date overflow bug, which may cause similiar problems.
This is a parody article intended for entertainment only and does not document real events or persons. In other words, this is fiction. Copyright 1999, 2009 by The Mormon Zone. All rights reserved.