Provo To Be Translated
PROVO, UT - The Provo City Council is expected to vote this week on whether to allow Provo City to "be translated."
According to council member Wanna B. Gaun, most Provo residents are excited about the idea, although there is some concern about whether or not relatives in other parts of the world will be able to move to Provo in time for the translation.
The enthusiasm apparently does not extend to BYU campus, however. Most BYU students think the idea is impractical, and probably won't participate, particularly since it could interfere with Football.
Interviews from people in all professions and religions revealed many different opinions. Some people had never heard of this form of "translation," while others said they were planning on leaving Provo soon anyway and did not really care. "I think it is a bad idea," said non-translatee Toni Billins, "If one city goes, what's to stop another from going too? Soon the whole earth would be empty of people."
Atta T. Ude, from South-central Provo said, "I think it is a scam by real-estate agents trying to push people in to buying and selling houses in the Provo area." The number of homes and businesses for sale in the area has increased 17.8% since the idea was first announced in early November.
"Those who don't want to go, don't have to," explained council member Tuuby Nice, when questioned about the ethics of such a move. "We are still working on details of returns to visit people here and attend Football games for those who do decide to go."
Merchants are worried about the potential loss of buyers, and may have to focus advertising on Orem residents. In the meantime, they are pleased by the increased business from translatees who are purchasing the supplies they think they may need. "Since we don't know where we are going, we don't know what we'll need, so we're trying to get some of everything," explained translatee Pan Icker when questioned in front of her rented moving van full of food, toilet paper, shingles, and nails.
Non-translatee Joey Million said, "I hope the move goes through. There will be a lot less noise and traffic." Joey may have hit the nail on the head. The original idea arose during a city council meeting concerned with traffic problems. "The only way to solve the traffic problems without increasing taxes is to get rid of half of the population," explained council member Kiel Uhm.
There is some concern about the loss of tax revenue from the people leaving, but the city council is hoping to lure taxpayers in the form of bikers to move to Provo. According to one council member, who was too busy helping his neighbor pack to provide his name, "We had already included beautiful bike trails in the budget for this year, so things should work out fine.
Editor's note: This article first appeared in the Mormon Zone on November 16, 1999. It is unknown as to whether Provo was actually translated or not. If they went, nobody seems to have noticed.
This is a parody article intended for entertainment only and does not document real events or persons. In other words, this is fiction. Copyright 1999, 2009 by The Mormon Zone. All rights reserved.