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Mormons Have Horns!

SALT LAKE CITY, UT - Scientists today announced the completion of a year-long study of members of the LDS Church.  Researchers claim results from the study provide conclusive evidence that Mormons have horns.

"Popular folklore and legends about Mormon 'horns' have been circulating for years," said Reese Urch, a member of the research team making the discovery, "However, nobody has really taken them seriously - until now."

Most Mormons aren't saying much.  "I'm waiting to read the actual study," said Thomas Jones, a member of the church who claims he "doesn't have any horns."

Jones continued, "Critics are always trying to find some way to discredit us.  I think you'll see the whole thing wash over in a couple of days."

A pre-release copy of the study was obtained from inside sources by the Mormon Zone.  The report details a long history of Mormon horns.

Early Mormon Horn 
An Early
Mormon Horn

The earliest accounts of Mormon horns are provided by the journals of Mormon pioneers. The earliest recorded Mormon horn was a saddle horn, used on saddles as a place to tie Mormon longhorn cattle to, or sometimes even Mormon bighorn sheep.  The saddle horn was also used as a convenient place on which to tie early Mormon powder horns.

Horn of a Mormon Child
Horn of a Mormon Child

Mormons today often get their horns early.  Mormon kids usually earn their horns in junior high school, where many will enroll in band or begin music lessons.

Later in life, Mormons will often aquire more sophisticated horns, such as those attached to Mormon BMW's.

Editor's note: This article first appeared in the Mormon Zone on August 4, 1999. Unfortunately, Mormons still have horns (including my son, who plays his while I am trying to sleep).

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This is a parody article intended for entertainment only and does not document real events or persons.  In other words, this is fiction.  Copyright 1999, 2009 by The Mormon Zone.  All rights reserved.