Bill Gates Buys BYU
PROVO, UT - In a surprise move this morning, LDS church officials announced they have finalized a deal to sell church-owned Brigham Young University to software giant Microsoft (MSFT).
The move comes as a surprise for many Microsoft investors. Said one investment firm spokeman, "What in the heck was Bill thinking?" Microsoft stock was up slightly this morning, driven by speculation that the purchase will increase investment in Microsoft by Utah investors.
Rumors are rampant that the move represents a new strategy on the part of the Redmond, Washington-based software company to monopolize the nation's software developer supply. Microsoft intends to break up BYU and sell off the less glamorous majors, retaining only the computer science, marketing, and law programs.As usual, authorities at Microsoft were quick to deny any allegations. "The university will basically remain the same as it always has. Other than replacing all Unix servers on campus with Windows servers, the company plans on making no immediate changes," said Joe Jackson, an official company spokesman.
Jackson admitted that a name change was a possibility. "The most likely name for the new school will be MSBYU, although we will need to make sure the domain name is available before the decision becomes final," said Jackson.Reaction from students has been mixed. Freddy Longhorn, a sophomore majoring in computer science, was very concerned. "I haven't been here for five years just so Microsoft can take over everything. Installing Windows servers all over campus will cripple this university." claims Longhorn. Longhorn says he is considering transferring back to UVU, which he attended for three years before coming to BYU.
In contrast, many students welcomed the news. A starting linebacker for the BYU football team, who wished to remain anonymous, was ecstatic. "I'm sure that when Microsoft takes over, the honor code will be changed. They may even drop it entirely."
BYU is located in Provo, Utah and has approximately 27,000 full-time students, although Jackson claims that based on the number of students who would like to attend, actual student marketshare figures are around 150,000, which, Jackson claims, makes BYU the largest university in the world.
In many ways, BYU and Microsoft are a good match. "Microsoft's revolutionary vaporware marketing fits in nicely with the time honored tradition of grade inflation at BYU. You might say it was a match made in heaven," said Jackson.
Jackson's comment immediately drew strong opposition from the ACLU and several evangelical Christian groups, who oppose the deal on the basis that it is a violation of the separation of church and state.
Editor's note: This article first appeared in the Mormon Zone on June 26, 1999. The deal is still tied up in legal negotiations.
This is a parody article intended for entertainment only and does not document real events or persons. In other words, this is fiction. Copyright 1999, 2009 by The Mormon Zone. All rights reserved.