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Global Warming Sparks Lime Jello Riots
COPENHAGEN – The hot-air produced by thousands of politicians gathered this week for the opening of the global climate summit has produced irreversible glacier melt that threatens hunger and devastation among colonies of Mormons a half a world away.
"It's all about the Jello," says Paul Hatch, a Professor of Climatology at Brigham Young University's College of Greenhouse Gases, "Increasing levels of C02 in the atmosphere are binding with all known supplies of Disodium Phosphate, a critical ingredient in lime Jello. If we do not double everyone's taxes in the next two weeks, we will reach a tipping point that will cause the mass extinction of all lime-Jello-eating species."
The news of the impending disaster has created panic and riots in cities across Utah, the state with the nation's leading per-capita consumption of lime Jello. In Spanish Fork, a normally sleepy cowboy town, gunfire erupted at the local Macey's when a fight broke out over the last available box of the concoction in the Intermountain West.
LDS Church leaders have for years counseled their members to store a year's supply of the state's main food staple, warning them to prepare against a future disaster of Biblical proportions. "That day has come," said an anonymous official LDS church spokesman.
In desperation, many Mormon wards across the state are cancelling their annual pot-luck Christmas parties, hoping to preserve critical supplies until the United Nations can implement an announced socialist rescue program for the state.
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fiction. Copyright 2009 by The Mormon Zone. All rights reserved.